See the chapter-by-chapter summary for detailed informations and the full text.
Edward Cullen has had a row with his adoptive father, Carlisle, about whether or not it's wrong to kill humans for food if they are evil. Out on a nightly prowl for grub, he comes across Assef from The Kite Runner and his gang, about to buttrape Hassan. Edward intervenes and drinks Assefs blood. Unfortunately this turns the already sociopathic Assef into a vampire.
Assef and Edward don't get along at all, so Assef makes a run for it. He steals a car that turns out to contain a little boy named Tomas. Instead of killing the boy, Assef decides to keep him as his little brother. They take refuge in a roadside motel owned by an Old Man.
The Old Man calls his friend Johann, who is a social worker. Despite Tomas having been reported missing on the news, Johann accepts their story about running away from an abusive family with no further questions. He brings them to a nearby orphanage run by a male "Master Nun" who has a penchant for fire arms.
One day the Master Nun tells the boys that a family is interested in adopting them. Unfortunately the "family" is Edward, who is really mad with Assef for doing a bunk. They don't want to live with Edward, so a violent brawl ensues. Luckily the Old Man arrives at the scene, and chases Edward off.
Tomas' mother is on the news, but he no longer remembers her.
Assef gets picked on by a bully named Gary, and snaps. He tries to rape Gary, but Tomas walks in as they are fighting and tells the Master Nun. Assef lies his way out of it. Then Johann arrives to tell them they are moving in with him and the Old Man, who is his boyfriend. The Master Nun drops in for a visit, and suddenly remembers that Assef is a rapist. He starts shooting at Assef, but accidentally hits Tomas instead. Assef turns him to save him from dying. The Master Nun gets shot in the face, but is unharmed and runs off.
Wali and Kamal drop by and ask Assef and Tomas to go on a road trip with them. They have stolen a car and all. Kamal is a werewolf now, because he died from petrol fumes in a truck. They stop for the night at a hotel, and Tomas wants to go to a playground. Suddenly Edward reappears and starts to violently beat Assef. Kamal turns wolf and fights Edward, but he's injured. Then the Old Man comes swinging on a rope and rescues them. They all go back home.
In the middle of the night, Johann wakes everyone up as he runs through the house screaming like a madman. It turns out the Old Man has broken his hip, and they need to take him to a hospital. Johann, who is driving, is mad with rage and beats Assef with both hands. One of the car doors is flung open, and the Old Man falls out. Johann dives out of the still speeding car to save him. Assef takes the wheel and only just manages to stop the car from ending up in a ravine. At the hospital the Old Man is fixed up in no time and ready to go rope-swinging again.
Two weeks later they all have a picnic on a hill, and sing a lot of random pop tunes. Assef swings Tomas around so his feet accidentally hit the Old Man in the head. Johan loses all his marbles, and punches Tomas in the face so hard he lands in the picnic basket. Assef rushes to help Tomas, but Johann rips him out of Assef's arms as he screams at and threatens him. The Old Man scolds Johann for ruining his birthday, which Johann had completely forgotten. Johann cries all the way home while begging the Old Man to forgive him.
Assef and Tomas are about to go shopping when a doctor arrives and tells them that the Old Man needs a hip donor to survive. The boys must test their worthiness of becoming his donor by seeing how far they can swing on a rope. Assef swings too far, and lands on a stretcher with a wounded soldier on it. He takes a wild spin around the hospital on the stretcher, knocking people over and almost flattening an escapologist. Just before he crashes into the operating theatre, Johann comes swinging on the rope and catches him. Thus Johann wins the rope-swinging contest and gets to donate a hip.
Johann and the Old Man decide to get married. They show their love for each other with Bruno Mars' Grenade, before they have the most decidedly inappropriate wedding ceremony in the history of everything. It includes music by Chris Brown, swearing in a church, and Tomas showing really severe signs of becoming mentally disturbed.
Happiness is shortlived, though, as the Master Nun returns to take further revenge. He is Gary's father, and wants to get back at Assef. He detonates a bomb in the park as the extended family is out enjoying the day. After the explotion they find a lump of bloody meat on the ground. It turns out to be Johann. In true Ariana-style, they use his dead body as a flying machine, and steer him at the Master Nun who is exploded. They sing Disturbia by Rihanna, as one does in such a situation.
The Old Man gets depressed, and has a hard time letting go of Johann's ashes. His friend the Archdeacon comes to visit, and persuades him to release Johann. Everyone sings Whip my Hair, and Johann's spirit is free. Then they sing My Jeans by Jenna Rose.
Tomas decides to be a normal child with normal emotional reactions for a while, and makes a photo collage of his family. Unfortunately the Old Man drops it into the soup he's cooking. A dude named Luigo comes to visit and asks if the Old Man wants to become the new Master Nun at the orphanage. He accepts the position since he feels guilty about the death of the old Master.
Then it's time for another musical act, Justin Bieber this time. Assef gives a heartfelt speech to the children about how they could never have gotten a better guardian than the Old Man. The Old Man assures Assef that he will keep saving him.
Later, Edward returns to take further revenge on Assef, setting fire to the orphanage that the Old Man now works in. He manages to once again capture Assef, and it's up to the Old Man to once again save the day. However, the rope breaks, sending both Assef and the Old Man falling into the fiery pit. Assef swings down on the rope just in time, rescuing the Old Man from burning alive. The Old Man is understandibly surprised by this, and sings All the way from A to Z, by Jay Z, as a way of thanking Assef for his heroism.
Three weeks later, the Old Man uproots his family, moving them to temporary housing in Westerville. He does this because he is afraid that Edward will once again come after Assef. The Old Man also decides that it's time to move on from Johann's tragic death, and marries Luigo.
But all is not well as Luigo suspects there may be something wrong with his adopted son. He goes on the internet to research Assef and Tomas, where he finds that Tomas has in fact been kidnapped, and that his distraught mother is out looking for him. Tomas mother has in fact been to the orphanage where her son stayed, but was unable to locate him.
Armed with these facts, Luigo goes downstairs to tell the Old Man of what he's found. However, the Old Man does not believe him, and is enraged that Lugio would ever accuse his perfect son Assef of such horrible things. He thinks the problems stem from Luigo's jealousy and inability to bond with Assef.
Angry, Luigo storms upstairs, where Assef viciously attacks and murders him. He then lies to the Old Man, saying that robbers broke into their home and murdered Luigo. The Old Man is distraught, but Wali manages to calm the situation by singing Stupid Hoe by Nicki Minaj.