Edward Cullen
Edward Cullen
General information
Alias Ed
Gender Male
Species Vampire
Status Alive
Location Loch Ness
Family Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Carly, Orphans
Romances Bella
Friends Harry, Vaughn,
Enemies Jacob, Tom, The Doctor, Charlie, Dumbledore, Peter
Edward Cullen is one of the main characters in No Place Feels Like Home. He is a sparkly vampire who dates Bella and hates Jacob


Unlike his canonical self, this version of Edward is the biological son of Carlisle and Esme Cullen. He's got two biological sisters Rosalie and Alice, as well as a whole orphanage full of adoptive siblings.

Edward came to Loch Ness with this family and Bella, after they escaped from the taxman in Forks. He proposed to Bella on the shores of the "prehistoric" lake soon after they arrived. Edward and Bella had taken a special liking to Renesmee, one of the newest orphans, and had planned to adopt her as their own when they married. They were devastated when she mutated into a lake monster after eating radiated berries in the garden.

His sexual debut with Bella got rudely interrupted when Jacob Black came tumbling out of the Floo Network in their room. Edward proceded to savagely beat up Jacob, twisting his intestines and ripping out his tonsils. Jacob was left unconscious, and had to be taken to Hogwarts for treatment.

The others gave Edward the cold shoulder for a few days, and he sulked around alone while they were playing with Nessie in the lake. After mistaking Peter's resussitation of Bella as them kissing, he dumped her in a fit of rage, but begged her to take him back the next day.

While everyone else attended Lupin's Werewolf Rights rally, Edward went for a walk in the forest and found Vaughn Edwards waiting for him. Vaughn asked him to join a band he was starting, and Edward happily accepted. Dumbledore and the MI-5 feared that Vaughn was a terrorist, and that the band was just a front. They sent their agents Lucas North and Tom Quinn as well as Harry Potter to join the band as spies.

Before the band, which they called Potion for Passion, hit the road, Jacob managed to take revenge on Edward. He injected Edward with a serum that paralyzed him, and forced him to eat a sack full of bricks.

Over the next couple of weeks Edward toured Europe with PFP, and gained almost instant fame. After a fruity party following their London concert, they were all subjected to drug tests by Charlie Swan. Edward had to have his blood taken with a "rhinoceros needle", which was a harrowing experience. He was cleared of the drug charges, but it was discovered that the blood he'd had delivered was from pandas. This caused lots of shock and outrage.

Jacob went to the media and told them his story of when Edward beat him up. He claimed Edward had put him on a nail bed and stuck knitting pins into his eyes. The story created a lot of support for Jacob, who held an anti-PFP appeal at Hogwarts, and uploaded a video he shot of Edward and Bella to Youtube.

On stage in Paris, Edward suffered indigestion and started shitting bricks again. He was helped off stage and put to bed while the band spent the night in the hotel bar getting plastered. After sobering up, they started the journey to Rome, where the next concert was scheduled. Bella got furious when she read about the sex video in the news paper, and Tom told Edward to get ready to make a public statement to save his image.

Unfortunately for Edward, that was the end of the tour for him. Bella had her periode, and refused to play "drive the fire truck" in a hotel bed. Edward used the faucet above the bath tub as a Bella-substitiute and got his penis stuck. Since it was impossible to unstick him, and they had to be in Rome in time to avert Luciano Malfoy's evil plan, Ros Myers demanded that Tom cut him loose with a hack saw. Edward was unable to sing after this, and the tour was cancelled.

Back home, Edward turned EMO and took up painting. He was too embarrassed to tell Bella or anyone else about his emergency castration. Harry went to Rome to try to get the missing parts back, but the faucet had been removed and sold as an illegal antique. Edward withdrew from Bella, and she turned to Peter for comfort again. Edward's hatred towards Tom was boiling, and while high on weed he painted a disturbing mural where he killed him and Jacob. Esme loved it and said he should make art his new career.

Edward took to hanging with the hipsters at the local art pub, but he found it hard to fit in since they were all very smug and he was an insecure EMO. They also hated PFP. One night as he came stumbling home stoned, Harry gave him a present that turned out to contain his missing private parts retrieved on a time trip. With his pride and dignity intact again, he reclaimed Bella from Peter.

In other worksEdit

Ohio Is Not For LoversEdit

Ad blocker interference detected!

Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.