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Brian stared at his reflection. He hated it. Bottle-blond, brown-eyed fake. He'd had to dye his hair, put in fake contacts, and act years younger. All for Richard Smith.

Brian would do anything for Richie, and doubts be damned. Brian would give his life, or even face the impossibly perfect Mary-Sue. He was going to, too.

The Sue is Joan. Joan St. Sanctuary Louisa-Smith, or something suitably perfect, longwinded, and flowery. Brian cringed at the thought of her. He caught sight of his refection again bringing him back to the present.

He hated the person in the mirror. Why? Because *that person* left Richie for some Erin woman, and got her pregnant. *That person* left her, and went crawling back to Richie. Richie wouldn't have it; he said to go back to Erin and the newly christened "Joan St. Sanctuary Louisa." She became "Louisa-Smith" when Richie married Erin.

Brian shook his head. Tomorrow, he would enter the Sue's territory-Forks High School.

~*~*~

'She is her mother,' Brian thought. 'Always dyeing her hair, dressing like a hooker, and carrying herself like an attention whore.'

Joan walked up to Brian and held out her hand, [screaming] saying,"Hi!!! I'm Joan St. Sanctuary Louisa-Smith, and I'm a [Christina] Christian! Are you?" Brian shook her hand and nodded a yes.

She grinned and introduced her Christian boyfriend, Edward. While Edward greeted Brian, Brian could see Joan check him out surreptitious. Just like her mother did.

At least she had the good influence of her "daddy."

~*~*~

Brian did his best to avoid Joan after school, but she managed to find him. He did his best to hurry the conversation along; he had to make it to Richie before Joan did.

Lucky Brian, Joan let him go, and he made a beeline to Richie's last known address.

~*~*~

Brian arrived before Joan. "Richie?" he called, walking inside the house.

"Yes..." came the wary response. "Who is this?"

"Brian!"

Richie poked his head out of the kitchen. "Brian?" he whispered, then smiled. "It is you."

"Yes," Brian agreed.

But the reunion was cut short. Both men could hear Joan's annoying Sue-laughter from inside-she was coming down the block!

"I don't want to lose you again..." Brian murmured. "Do you want to stay here?"

Richie shook his head. "She's impossible-" he began, but Brian covered his mouth.

"Shh. We need to make this believable."

~*~*~

When Joan walked in, BRIAN HAD HANDCUFFED HER DAD!!!1!!1!!!!one!!!

"WHAT!!??!!?!?!?!/!!1!??" Joan shrieked.

Brian winced from the punctuation abuse and caps rape. "Your dad is under arrest for trafficking drugs," he explained.

"What!! No!!! He can't!!!11!!! He's too drunk [and he has, like, six other jobs]!!11!!sparkle!!!"

Brian silently wept for the mangled shift and one keys, and tried to lead his 'prisoner' away. Joan stood in the doorway.

"You can't do this!!!" she [s]creamed.

Brian pushed her out of the way. She fell back as if punched.

"What was that for????" she wailed.

"Because I am the FBI and because I can," Brian replied. He led Richie away, into his nondescript 'undercover police car', and called out the window: "I called a whaaambulance for you. They'll be here shortly!" and drove off.

Richie laughed.

"What?" Brian asked [askingly]. "I set the house on fire. Too many memories."

"Ah."

Silence.

"She'll probably stay with her boyfriend," Brian said [sayingly].

"Yup," Richie agreed, and Brian drove them to Canada.

Where, you ask?

I don't know, but it's like a city or something, try MapQuest!

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