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See the chapter-by-chapter summary for detailed informations and the full text.
Helena Beautiful - alias Darkness - is a proud emo girl with eating disorders and parental issues. She lives deep in the forests of Washington with her "prep-dad" who wants her to conform to the ideals of society. Darkness is a loner, and her best and only friend is an exeptionally tolerant girl named Storm.
The story starts one miserable morning, as Darkness is woken by her alarm-clock that plays Welcome to the Black Parade. She grumbles and complains about her father and her "horrible" life while getting ready for the three-hour drive to Forks.
This is a very special day, however. There is a new boy in class, the magnificent and delightful Edward Cullen. He starts hitting on Darkness right away, and the two of them ignore several classes going on around them while they discuss the virtues of being loners.
Edward invites Darkness to come home with him after school. On the way, he scalds Bella's face with his lazer eyes for being mean to Darkness. He introduces her to Jasper and Alice, who are always naked and making out. Alice has had a sex-change operation, and is now a man. They go to Edward's room to watch a horror movie and have sex.
Darkness' preppy father barges in on them, slut-shames Darkness and drags her out of the house. In the car he reveals that he's sexually attracted to his daughter, and wants to sleep with her. Darkness freaks out and jumps out of the car. Edward appears in the sky and kills her father with his lazers, much to her delight.
They decide that Darkness must become a vampire because that's very emo. They go to see Lurtz, who agrees to turn her on one condition: She must go back in time and stop her dad from becoming preppy, because he's shaming her family history.
The Doctor arrives in his TARDIS, and takes them to the "19060s" where her father has just been born. Darkness procedes to carry out the most suicidal patricide in history. The Doctor then takes them with him to the future where they meet Ratchetandclank and Master Chief. The TARDIS gets eaten by Metroids, and the Doctor disguises himself as Edward in an attempt to seduce Darkness. She kills him a couple of times, but he keeps regenerating.
Darkness and Storm get sucked into a portal to Midgar, where they meet Cloud Strife and Sephiroth. The latter kills Storm for no good reason, and Darkness is moderately upset. Edward appears out of the blue, and takes Darkness with him to the present, where Lurtz turns her into a vampire by singing My Immortal.
The perpetually nude Alice and Jasper arrive and ask for help stopping Master Chief. Darkness, and the suddenly revived Storm, go to see a chav gangster called "Mother Teresa" to ask for advice. He summons the Ocarina of Time, which they use to go to "the planet Halo" where Master Chief is being born in full armor. They kill him, as the brave heroes they are.
Darkness meets Emo Ghandi who she drools over. He tells her about the seven great evils she must defeat. Then he dies and becomes Ghost Ghandi. The first Great Evil is Ganondorf, who lives in a castle in Lithuania. Darkness cures him of "homoism" by showing him her supposedly sexy, emaciated body.
Back home, Darkness suffers a fit of depression, because she pretends that she doesn't think she's beautiful enough. Poor Storm gets abused both verbally and physically by her supposed best friend. On a trip to 7500 years ago, they run into the past version of Edward. He gives birth to a baby and reveals that it is actually Darkness, and that he's her real father. They decide not to let it get in the way of their future relationship, though.
Returning to the present, they learn that the next Great Evil is Yubaba, who lives in the time they just left. They go back and relive the birth from another angle. Everyone perves over how sexy baby Darkness is, before leaving her with Edward who is an even scarier pedophile in this than in canon.
They kill Yubaba, and Storm gets kidnapped by Bulb Bird and rescued by Cork Child. Then the journey takes them to Mordor where Darkness suffers a tiny bit of character development. Storm wants to visit her family, but it turns out that her mother has been killed in a car accident and her father is now an old man. Darkness has an attack of human emotion as Storm and her father sob on each others' shoulders, but still refuses to go back in time and save her mother.
The Doctor reappears in his 11th incarnation, and informs them that he is no longer David Tennant. We get a flashback to when Darkness was 10 years old, and heard something in the forest. Then the story ends without further explanations.
Characters from other sourcesEdit
|Lady of Sorrow|
Darkness • Storm • Edward