The Most Awesome Character Contest
It was a lovely spring day when the first annual Most Awesome Character In Brewdening Love contest took place. On the judging panel was anyone who had ever shown interest in the fanfiction: that being every crew member of the SS Snark…and Erin.
The moderator took the stage to begin the event.
"Each round one character will be voted off. The character will be decided by majority vote. You have all been given white boards and markers – and don't think I don't see you drawing obscure fandom references along the edges, guys – to cast your votes."
The first round began in a furious din of marker squeaking. Within seconds every judge had made their choice.
Everyone had voted for Joan, except Erin, who had written "BRIN!!1!" in huge letters. Due to the fact that to the moderator's knowledge there was nobody in the contest named Brin – and anyway, the majority was clear – Joan was booted off to wild applause.
It continued in a similar vein. Next was Ward, followed by Jacob and Fernando in a single round.
(Technically voting off two people at once was against the rules, but there was a moment of chaos when nobody could quite figure out if Jacob and Fernando were two people or one, and it was only complicated by the fact that a third party named "Fatnando" popped up at the last second, and the moderator decided to just chuck them all out and let them fight it out in the back parking lot.)
God was voted off quickly as well (for being a jerkass who was just an impostor, proclaimed the collective white boards of the SS Snarkers). MC lasted a surprisingly long amount of time (due to her talent of baking delicious cookies, as was later determined.) and everyone was confused when Erin attempted to vote Bella off, resulting in a null vote as an impromptu discussion of exactly how stupid Erin could be derailed an entire round. (At this point Erin stopped voting and devolved to drawing extraordinarily disturbing portraits on her board.)
At long last, there were only two remaining characters left: Brian and Hugo. The moderator, congratulating them on making it to the final round, invited each of them to explain exactly why he should be the winner. Brian, gifted as he was with a name that began with B in a world where the alphabet placed B before H, was allowed to go first.
"Um, well," he said, shifting his weight uncomfortably, "I'm really honored and all. And I did punch Joan in the face that one time…"
A resounding cheer from the Snarkers drowned out the rest of his sentence.
"But really I don't think I deserve to win," he continued earnestly. "I think Hugo should win, he's much cooler than me."
"Nonono," Hugo cut in, jumping up. "Thank you, really, but don't even bother with voting. Brian deserves to win."
"This guy," Brian continued, raising his voice, "has had six jobs. Six. And not dumb ones, either. He's been the Mayor!"
"Brian rescued me from Joan and tried to set her on fire–"
"He was a hospital worker. He's saved lives!"
"Did you know that Brian is in the FBI? Because he is. And that sexy uniform should earn him an automatic win."
"You want to talk sexy outfits? Hugo has been a policeman. And a firefighter!"
"No, wait, he's not just in the FBI, he IS the FBI."
"Hugo took Joan in and actually cared about her. Look, I'm not cool enough to do that."
"Brian is a pyromaniac. And he makes fantastic barbecue."
"Hugo can sail a boat, and fish, and do construction work. At the same time."
"Did I mention that Brian once punched Joan in the face?"
"Hugo," Brian all but whined, "I don't deserve this award, you do."
"No way," he said, "you're by far more awesome than I."
"No, you're the most awesome ever," Brian said, reddening and peeking up from under his eyelashes.
"No, you're the most awesome ever," Hugo returned, blushing to his roots.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU'RE ALL SINNARS!!!1!!!1SEXAH1!!" Erin shrieked, throwing her white board – complete with a drawing so hideous that one sight of it would cause your eyes to spontaneously combust – at the stage. Brian dove in front of Hugo to shield him from the eyeball-roasting horror. Hugo shoved him out the way to take the hit instead, because a world without Brian was not a world worth seeing.
Then the collective of Snarkers all rose as one, hoisted a laser gun, and shot the white board in midair, reducing it to dust. In the frenzy, Erin escaped to go whine at all the already-eliminated characters, (all of whom were now congregating in the back lot, taking bets on who precisely Jacob/Fernando is.)
Back inside, the moderator, emerging from his shelter behind the podium, announced it was time to choose a winner, but the Snarkers had to refuse his request. It simply was not fair, they decided, to have to choose between two such awesome characters.
Thus, the decision was presented to Brian and Hugo. Who among them should have the trophy? And it may have caused a never-ending cycle of blushing and compliments, if Hugo – ever the more practical of the two – hadn't suggested shyly, "Why don't we just share it?"
Brian brightened. "Yeah, we could do that. It will be a testament to how I'm only truly awesome when I'm with you."
"Or perhaps a testament to how I'm only awesome when I'm with you," Hugo said, taking his hand.
And so, they took their trophy and skipped away into the sunset together with fingers enlaced, never to be bothered by Joan again, while the Snarkers cheered and duly re-boarded the SS Snark, to sail away for more epic adventures.
-- End --