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See the chapter-by-chapter summary for detailed informations and the full text.
The story starts with Carlisle Cullen receiving a letter, begging him and Esme to take over an orphanage. They happily oblige, but unfortunately Jasper is a little hungry and turns all the orphans into vampires. After a visit by a nosey tax inspector, who wonders why the children are so pale, they decide to move to their old castle in Loch Ness for some privacy.
No sooner have they arrived, before there is a gigantic explotion nearby. MI-5 agents Adam Carter and Lucas North arrive to tell them a nuclear reactor has blown up. Soon the area is overrun by nasty mutants.
Nikki is introduced as she arrives along with her father, only known as "Dad", to help hunt down the monsters. She accidentally shoots a grenade towards the Cullen castle, and blows up one of their bathrooms. Edward is eaten by a mutant as the family comes out to see what is going on. Luckily he's indigestable, and gets spat out.
Esme forgives the hunters their extensive vandalism, and Nikki makes friends with the Cullen teens. They all hang out in the castle library, when Albus Dumbledore appears in the Floo Network to check if any of the children have magic. Nikki meets Dimitri when he arrives to make the grounds mutant-safe. There is some definite instant attraction.
Renesmee eats some of the radiated berries in the garden, and mutates into a literal Nessie. Edward is devastated and claws his eyes out as Carlisle releases Nessie into the loch. Peter, the young orphanage caretaker, looks after Bella while she's crying, and falls in love with her.
Harry Potter comes to tell them he's sure it's Severus Snape who is behind the nuclear explotion. However, he has escaped from custody. As they look for him, they discover the TARDIS parked on a field, and decide to ask The Doctor for help. The Doc is on his 15th incarnation, as Harry Pearce from MI-5. After fighting a bunch of Daleks, the heroes decide to call it a night, and Dimitri confesses his feelings for Nikki.
Peter is miserable because he's in love with Bella, and is jealous of Edward. Mary Agnes is miserable because she's in love with Peter, and is jealous of Bella.
Bella finally agrees to take her relationship with Edward to the next stage, and have sex with him. While they lose virginity, Edward has a shouting match (through a door) with Peter about playing My Chemical Romance too loudly on the stereo. Just as Peter backs off, Jacob Black comes tumbling in through the Floo, where he's been spying on them. A violent fight ensues between the two boys. Edward brutally forces his hand down Jacob's throat and mangles his internal organs. Jacob ends up comatose and is taken to the hospital wing in Hogwarts.
A video tape has arrived from the future, which shows Edward talking to professor Snape and a man Lucas recognizes as Vaughn Edwards. Dumbledore and the Doctor thinks this might mean that Edward is going to join the dark side, which upsets Esme a lot.
In the evening, most of the hunters go down to the loch for a swim. Edward is feeling butthurt (Maybe quite literally, concidering Jacob showed a fire poker up his anus the previous day.) and sulks around in the forest. Bella nearly drowns while she's holding on to Nessie's tail under water, and Peter has to perform CPR. Edward appears and thinks that they are kissing. He gets furious and refuses to listen to the explaination.
The next day, everyone has to go to Hogwarts to attends Lupin's public speech about Werewolf Rights. They visit Jacob, who is still unconscious and kept alive by a steam engine. Edward is not invited to the meeting, since it's his fault Jacob is injured. After masturbating to a programme on birds, he goes for a walk in the forest. Behind a tree he finds Vaughn, who asks him to join a new band he's forming.
Nikki and Dad have a visit from Nikki's paternal grandparents, who drops insane Uncle Goober with them and speeds off. Dad reluctantly says he can live in the shed.
Dimitri asks Nikki to the cinema. She picks a very scary horror film, so she has an excuse to hold his hand a lot. Peter has taken Bella to see the romantic flick Love in a Candy Heart, when Edward appears with a bunch of roses and asks Bella to take him back. Which she does, being Bella and all. Peter gets drunk with Tom and Adam, who have also been dumped, and asks Mary Agnes to turn him into a vampire.
While Edward and Bella have make-up sex, Jacob wakes up from his coma full of revenge plans.
Uncle Goober is inventing a machine that converts humans into electricity, and Nikki starts worrying that he may hurt her dogs or horse given an opportunity. She builds herself a quaint little cottage in the Cullen's garden.
Carlisle and Adam have a row over Edward's "musclial" career. Adam thinks the whole band-schtick is just a cover for something terrible Vaughn and Snape are planning.
To celebrate his upcoming glorious career, Edward buys Bella an engagement ring, and they fool around on the top of his grand piano. Jacob jumps in through a window and injects Edward with a venom that leaves him completely paralyzed. He then starts force-feeding Edward bricks, so that he'll feel what it's like to litterally shit them. While Edward suffers on the porcelain throne, Harry announces that he's coming along on the tour as Edward's personal assistant. But he's really been sent by Dumbledore to spy.
Snape is spotted lurking around the castle, and he's been turned into a vampire with red eyes. They take this as evidence he's evil, although Ruth suggests he may simply be newborn rather than cannibalistic. Jacob tries to bug the tour bus, but Emmet chases him off. And Nikki finally kisses Dimitri.
Edward's band is called Potion for Passion, and are "a gothic symphonic metal band that combined the raw power of rock with the beauty and romance of classical music". Lucas and Tom have also infiltrated the band. The heroes decide to follow the band in the TARDIS, so they can get ahead of them. On PFP's opening concert in Glasgow nothing much happens, so they skip ahead to Manchester two days later. After nothing suspicious happens there either, they go home only to be greeted by a Dalek invasion.
They fight off the Daleks, but discover to their horror that Jasper has been transformed to one. Alice and Esme collapse on the floor crying, as Alice state there is nothing they can do as the transforming signal came from the future, and they'll have to wait until then to stop it.
Nikki is woken up by her sister Moira, who is terrified because Uncle Goober has tried to put her in an iron maiden.
Bree Tanner arrives, and says she has important information about Vaughn and Snape. She tells them a life story so tragic and over-the-top abusive it's difficult to take it seriously. It turns out Vaughn is her father, and she's out to get revenge since he never did anything to help her. The Doctor accepts her into his crime-fighting army.
Alice is depressed about Jasper being disgusting, so she ends up having some IKEA sex with Peter.
PFP has become a gigantic over-night hit. The next concert is in London, and The Doctor promises that if no terrorist attack takes place, they'll attend the VIP party later. Everyone gets sloshed, so it's not safe to operate the TARDIS and they spend the night.
Charlie Swan and Jacob come to perform a drug test of all the band members, because they are worried that Bella's going to get addicted to something. They have to use a "rhinoceros needle" that Charlie has bought from a vet to get through Edward's vampire skin, and he puts up a desperate fight. Nikki & co hang at a pub with Barnaby, while Dr, Bullard analyses the blood. It turns out that Edward has not been doing drugs, but to everyone's absolute disgust he's been drinking panda blood. Vaughn has done every drug in the book, but that's promptly ignored.
The TARDIS starts malfunctioning, and both The Doctor and Nikki regenerate after being exposed to a flash of light from the control panel. The Doctor for some reason turns back to his 10th incarnation, and Nikki becomes gothic. They have to rent a van to transport the TARDIS back home. As they stop at a petrol station for hot dogs, Nikki picks up a news paper. The top story is Edward beating up Jacob, grossly exaggerated. Charlie admits he put Jacob up to it, since he wants Bella to dump Edward.
Nikki gets sorted into Gryffindor, because she has some sort of magic as a Time Lady. Hermione Granger is asked to be her tutor. They attend a Werewolf Theme Day, where Jacob is the main speaker. He tells them to take a stand against PFP, who he claims are inciting violence against werewolves. Nikki and Hermione search Youtube for videos mocking Jacob's speech, but instead they find a sex video of Edward and a girl whose head is outside the frame. It's uploaded by "QuileuteBlackwolf".
The kids hang out in the Cullens' garden and discuss the video, when Jacob arrives with Bree, who is his new girlfriend, Lupin and Fenrir Greyback. He tells them they are going to start a "Wolf Metal" band called MeGaTroN, and have a band battle with PFP. Alice is furious and says everyone knows that it was Jacob who uploaded the sex video of Edward and Bella, and that he's got no reason to be proud of himself.
Esme shames Alice into taking the deformed Jasper, disguised as a baby, for a stroll. Dimitri repairs the TARDIS, and they go to Paris where PFP are playing. Bree and Nikki don't get along at all, and argue during most of the concert. The performance comes to a screeching holt as Edward collapses on stage. He's OK, just some leftover bricks in his system. As he recovers in a hotel bed, the rest of the crew hit the town.
Nikki crawls out of a bathtub the next morning to encounter Ros Myers, who has orders to take over the operation since Harry Pearce AKA The Doctor isn't getting any results. She demands the position as tour manager, and they can't refuse.
The time travelers return to Loch Ness to discover that Jacob has moved his whole pack (and some) over to help him achieve fame.
Alice gets scolded for having "forgotten" Jasper at a mall when she took a shopping trip. She is approached by Uncle Goober who volunteers to "fix" Jasper, and she agrees.
Nikki has embraced her new gothic self, and has started to use her middle name Mariel. Bree is condescending towards her, berating her for having no real fighting experience and simply being a spoiled brat. She asks Dumbledore to kick Mariel off the team, but he refuses because Mariel is good at casting shields.
Snape appears out of the blue, and informs them that they have indeed been barking up the wrong tree all along. He has been hiding among the philharmonic orchestra that backs PFP, and has discovered that Vaughn is not a terrorist at all. The real culprit is Luciano Malfoy, who has a mafia war against The Volturi. Snape believes that the bomb detonated in Loch Ness was a test, and that the real deal will happen at the concert in Rome, where the Volturi have VIP seats.
On the tour bus in Italy, the bored Harry and Bella read a newspaper. They discover an article about Edward drinking panda blood and the now infamous video Jacob filmed in their bedroom. Tom thinks they need to counter the bad press by going to the media and tell the world what Jacob did. Bella has her periode, and refuses to have sex with Edward in the hotel bed, afraid that the press will get more dirt on them. Edward feels blue-balled, and masturbates by inserting his penis up a faucet. He gets stuck there, and Ros orders Tom to cut Edward loose with a hacksaw, as they are in a hurry to get to Rome.
The emergency castration leaves Edward both mentally and physically unable to sing, and Harry has to take his place. The concert is a solid fiasco, and is interupted half way through when MeGaTroN arrive on a platfom lowered onto the stage. Aro recognizes them as werewolves, and have Alec and Jane attack. They use the cruciatus on the band members, as Bree sobs and begs someone to save Jacob. Luciano Malfoy runs in with the U-bomb in hand, and shoots Aro with a silver bullet, combusting him. Mariel has a vision of the Fairy Queen who tells her to take charge. She accios the bomb, and everyone attacks Malfoy.
Ros dispatches Mariel, Harry and Dimitri to go back to Italy and remove Edward's genitals from the faucet. Infortunately the blockage has already been discovered, and Luigi the Plumber has been charged with repairing the antique plumbing, which is from the Roman Empire. However, he's in economic trouble and sold it on e-bay. They return to Scotland and tell Edward he'll have to be a eunuch.
A video manipulation of Edward having sex with a panda is making the rounds. It's very popular among furries. Edward can't bear the humilation of telling Bella what's going on, and shuts her off. While Edward dyes his hair and takes up painting and poetry, Bella has a passionate fling with Peter.
Bree tells the others that she thinks Vaughn is plotting world dominance, and Adam hires MacGyver to help them out. However, MacGyver seems more than a little odd, and ends up taking Ron and Jacob as hostages. The others follow them in the TARDIS, and meet Future Snape, who is a vampire. He tells them that in his past they went to Loch Couihgeroilkusknyte to defeat MacGyver, and he gives them the DVD of Edward and Vaughn talking to bring to his past self.
They find MacGyver's secret Head Quarters, and after a vicious fight they manage to kill him. Ron is saved, but Jacob has been decapitated and his head used for a medical experiment. In order to grow his body back, Jacob has to become a vampire. Lupin boots him from MeGaTroN.
Bree arrives at the Cullen home with a 10-year-old girl she presents as her sister Carly Tanner, who has escaped from a factory where she was a slave. She begs Esme to adopt her, so their mother can't sell her off again. Esme happily obliges, and becomes fiercly overprotective of Carly.
Matt Devlin brings back the dissected Jasper, and informs them that Uncle Goober is in prison. Carlisle reassembles the pieces of Jasper and rejoices, but Harry is repulsed and has had enough Daleks. They go to see the Doctor, and he takes them back to the past to retrieve a human DNA sample from Jasper as well as Edward's missing pieces. They apprehend Malfoy before he can detonate the U-bomb, and the current time-line is replaced with a happier one.
Madam Pomfrey turns Jasper back to human. Edward gets his manhood back and comes clean to Bella, who forgives him. Ruth remembers that she's Rose Tyler in disguise, and reunites with the Doctor. With everything back to normal, the Cullens throw a party. Snape explains that he forgot to tell them that Vaughn was never a terrorist. He just wanted to be a famous musician to impress a lady.
Suddenly Nikki arrives from the past, and tells them she has come to be Mariel's twin, as she (and by extention Mariel) has always wanted a twin sister. Mariel is extatic, and they go off to have a girls' night. Renesmee, who has never been a lake monster, comes home crying because she was left alone on the beach. Bella and Edward are overjoyed, and decide to get married and adopt her.
And on this happy note, ends part 1.
Around the fanfictionEdit
The story has a sequel, simply titled No Place Feels Like Home 2.
Harry Potter charactersEdit