|Chapter count||3 so far|
The sequel to No Place Feels Like Home. Duh.
It's currently a work in progress.
Esme is worried about the siblings of her new adoptive daughter Carly. According to Bree they are all living in the outmost suffering and despair in the fic's dystopian version of Canada. So Carlisle takes Edward, Nikki and Harry with him on an expedition to save them.
Before they leave, Carlisle performs a hair transplant on Severus Snape, with Edward administering the anaesthesia. But Edward suffers from a bad bout of Vampire Diarrea, and leaves the mask on Snape for too long as he runs to the toilet. Suddenly Snape goes into cardiac arrest, and all Carlisle's attempts to save his human life fail. Carlisle turns Snape into a vampire, and he gets permanently stuck with a ridiculous "Charles Dickens" hair that points sideways.
In Canada the vampires and Harry build a cozy log house, and transfigures random objects into furniture. Nikki and Bree are supposed to share a room, but since they don't get along at all Bree orders Nikki to sleep in one of the cars. She and Harry awake in the middle of the night to discover Jacob Black, who is now a vampire, hanging outside Bella and Edward's bedroom window. Harry casts a slime hex on him, and Jacob confesses that he's followed them because he can't stand to be away from Bree.
Jacob comes down with the Canada Disease, a very painfull testicular illness that attacks vampires who don't wear warm undies. Carlisle saves Jacob from having his family jewels explode, but tells him he needs bedrest and can't come with them on the expedition. Bella has to stay home and look after him while the others go looking for Bree's younger twin sisters Primrose and Catnipp.
Bree tells them the twins work in the plutonium mines in a town called Coal Hill. They go to look for them, and are taken prisoner by a stereotypically Eastern European Death Eater named Oleg. He thinks they have been sent by Harry Pearce to steal plutonium. When they tell him that Pearce is "dead", he asks them to call Lucas North, his former prisoner, torture victim and litterary discussion buddy, while he cooks supper. Lucas arrives in the Floo network, and they decide to pretend that they can't overpower Oleg, as he may hopefully lead them to the hideout of the higher ranking Death Eaters.
The prisoners soon discover that Oleg is all alone in the camp, and that it would be very easy to escape as he doesn't even have keys to their cell. They have supper, and Oleg reads Bleak House to them as a bedtime story. Carlisle, who has a wet dream about Esme, talks in his sleep all night and traumatizes Edward. Lucas appears to struggle a bit with his PTSD.
They find neither plutonium nor the Tanner sisters in the mines, but the angry ghost of MacGyver makes an appearance. He tells them that he's been horcruxed by the Soviet Russians, and that the other half of his soul in in a "Jurgen Tube" that Harry fetches. Unfortunately, it's not the real MacGyver but one of his evil android clones. He attacks them while dancing Gangnam Style, and Nikki kills him by throwing him a stick of dynamite. Nikki doesn't realize at first that what she "killed" was an android, and has a Heroic BSOD while Lucas comforts her.
Oleg follows the "prisoners" to the log house, so Carlisle can check on Jacob. Jacob is feeling much better, but both Carlisle and Edward have contracted the Canada Disease, and needs to stay in bed for three days. Lucas takes over as leader of the expedition.
Jacob goes off to a werewolf convention, and Bree finds a letter where he breaks up with her in the most insulting manner possible. Bree has a small meltdown, but decides to come with the others. Nikki voices her annoyance with Bree, who keeps putting down upon her in front of Lucas, and questions how much of her life story is actually true. Harry is shocked and appalled, and tells Nikki she must never say things like that. They stop at an abandoned house which Bree claims to be one of her former homes, and go inside hoping to find out where the family moved to. Nikki's dog Bear freaks out, and Harry panics after they find a weird skeleton in the kitchen. Safely back in the car he tells Nikki it was a dragon.
Back in Scotland, Carly has disappeared from the Cullen mansion, and Dumbledore forms a search party. They find a letter from Carly where she explains that her father came to pick her up, and that she needs to go home to her real mother.
Harry Potter charactersEdit