This is a summary of each chapter of The Kronicals Of Rebecca Swansin, along with links to the full text of each chapter.
Rebecca introduces herself as "Moon", describing how she is friends with the Cullens. Before she heads off to school, she makes a Poptart in the microwave, starting the series's weird trend of Poptart product placement. She kicks Bella's truck and heads off to school, where she witnesses Edward standing on top of his Audi, shirtless.
Like in the original, Rebecca hates on Bella as part of her morning routine, this time making a poptart in the microwave only because Bella broke the toaster trying to electrocute the dog. Rebecca argues with Bella for using up too much morning bathroom time before heading off to school. She sees Jacob across the street, but doesn't approach him because she believes him to be a furry. Finally, Rebecca arrives at school and sees the Cullens doing their homework, waving at Edward as the chapter ends.
Edward and Rebecca strike up a conversation, with Edward talking about how sunny it is outside. Eventually the two meet again in Biolology class, wherein Bella demonstrates to the class how to trip when one is sitting in a chair. Their teacher is revealed to be none other than Mr. Chocolove, who then announces that they will be having a surprise human test today.
As the entire class begins to take blood samples, Alice gets the hell out of dodge, while Edward pleases himself furiously to everything going on. Rebecca takes the test for Edward so that his Vampiric secret won't be revealed. Edward freaks out, punches Chocolove, and runs from the room.
Class ends and Rebecca runs off for lunch before she begins searching for Edward. After beating down a poor lunch-lady for using a styrofoam tray due to her ecoterrorism, It is revealed that Bella's old friend Angela had become a vampire and killed all of her old friends.
Rebecca meets up with Edward in Engrish class, wherein they apologize to one another. After demonstrating just how racist she can be, Rebecca asks Jasper where Alice is. It is revealed that Alice sells drugs to people to make cash on the side. When Rebecca asks Alice if she's ever shot anybody with her gun, Alice goes insane and starts waving the gun around in the class, shooting students at random.
The chapter ends on a cliffhanger, with Rebecca and Edward trying to come up with a plan to stop Alice.
Edward engages Alice in hand-to-hand combat as Mr. Clearwater, the teacher, walks into the room. Mike Newton and Bella are both shot in the crossfire of the battle. Rebecca tries to talk Alice down, but it only infuriates her and motivates her to shoot Bella 14 times in the neck.
Edward defeats Alice by stabbing her in the spine with a pencil a total of 6 times, earning a redundant thank-you from the teacher. By the time the paramedics show up, Mike has bled out. Alice is arrested for all of the damage she has caused. Rebecca cries because Bella wasn't killed in the fight and goes off to the Girl's Restroom to reapply her mascara.
Suddenly, Angela the Vampire appears in the bathroom!
Terrified of Angela, Rebecca tries to flee between bathroom stalls, only for Angela to keep following her. After going on about how she "fuckig h8 all of u bitchz", Edward shows up rather anti-climactically to save Rebecca, much to the chagrin of the readers. Angela just sort of vanishes, and Rebecca squees because Edward's with her.
Rebecca has a flashback to how Bella became such a "bitch". Bella was hanging out with Jacob when she was kidnapped by his friend Seth, who proceeded to rape her. The trauma of the experience caused her to become emo, now looking like a rejected OC from My Immortal.
Edward and Rebecca walk out onto the School lawn, where Rebecca asks Edward if he "wanna sex" with her. He rejects her, owing to the fact that he's an old-school boy. TwilightRova then goes on a tirade about how sex before marriage is bad.
Rebecca and Edward go to History class (Also taught by Mr Chocolove), where they are taught about how Tsar Nicholas II's son wanted to have sexual relations with Hippopotamuses. Meanwhile, Jacob Black and Sam Ulney are also attending the class, despite later claims from the story that they go to "an indian restaraunt" for school.
Class ends and Rebecca is forced to part from Edward. She goes up into the clearing behind the school, where she is accosted by Laurent, Victoria, and James. After describing how she can see Victoria's vagina due to her skirt being so short, Rebecca picks up a rock and kills Laurent with it. She scares the other two vampires off and runs back to the school to tell Edward about the new enemies.
Rebecca skips Social Studies class to talk to Mr. Chocolove's daughter, Tanishashanqua. Rebecca literally pushes Bella to the ground to pester poor Tanishashanqua. Tanishashanqua is, at this point, a mockery of black stereotypes, and happens to know that Edward is in the boy's locker room for Gym class.
Rebecca sneaks into the Boy's Locker room, trailing close behind Sam Ulney. When Sam's towel drops, Rebecca goes apeshit and punches his genitalia 9 times, incapacitating him with the pain. When a crowd of boys arrive to see what the fuss is about, Rebecca sees Edward and cries to get his attention, screaming that the boys are all trying to rape her. After hugging her, Edward gets a massive erection, which prompts Rebecca to take out her Anti-Rape Knife and use it to stab him.
After seeing a crazy, psychotic bitch stab a man, the rest of the boys disperse and Rebecca runs away, thinking that Edward had betrayed her.
Rebecca finds Tanishashanqua and tells her that a boy in the locker room flashed at her, and that after defending herself a crowd of men came to rape her. After being told that Rebecca stabbed a man for getting an erection, Tanishashanqua tells Rebecca to go apologize to Edward to solve the issue.
In Social Studies class, Edward, Rebecca, and Bella all recite jaw-droppingly terrible poetry.
The school day ends after Social Studies, and Edward and Rebecca decide to go rescue Alice from jail.
Edward and Rebecca arrive at Rebecca's home to retrieve the jail-keys from Charlie Swan. Rebecca tells Edward to wait outside as she goes in to get them. Instead of doing the rational thing and lie to get the keys, Rebecca pulls out her Anti-Rape Knife and threatens to kill Charlie if he doesn't hand over the keys.
Charlie, understandably wary, takes out a gun and threatens to discipline Rebecca. Rebecca charges, engaging her Uncle/Father (He is reffered to as both) in close combat. Rebecca takes multiple shots to her arm, but still manages to cut and gut Charlie. She delivers a coup de grâce, brutally murdering her family member.
Rebecca returns to Edward, with the keys in tow.
Edward and Rebecca use the keys to free Alice from jail. Rebecca isn't the least bit remorseful over murdering her family member, instead focusing on how she and Edward are an item now.
An aborted attempt at a sequel. After she wrote the first chapter, TwilightRova went back to writing the Kronicals.
The beginning of the second story arc, using the beginning of Book 2 as the first half of the chapter.
Rebecca reveals that they had a funeral for Charlie, and that she now owns the house, having kicked Bella out of it. Bella now has to live in the old Shed in the backyard, resourcefully putting together a protitution racket to keep herself afloat.
Rebecca journies to school, now good friends with Edward and Alice. After hating on Bella, she switches targets to Jasper, the transgendered ex-boyfriend of Alice. As she tries to enter the school, two police officers stop her, telling her that Charlie has been missing and then proceed to also hate on Bella. Alice takes out a gun and runs when she sees the cops, and Rebecca and Edward take off to flee murder charges.
Rebecca sits through a really fucking boring lecture on Modernism delivered by Mr Clearwater, eventually asking Tanishashanqua if it's okay to kill bad people.
After class, Edward comes up with the plan of framing someone else for the murder to get the cops off of their trail. Then Rebecca lies through her teeth as she professes that she actually wants to do good things deep down, and that her murder wasn't that bad. Rebecca sets her sights on Bella as the chapter closes.
Rebecca runs for Class President against Rosalie, who it turns out is actually a dual-wielding pistol Bad Ass. Rosalie demonstrates this when she starts a gunfight with the cops from earlier, accidentally giving Rebecca a chance to go after Bella and frame her for Charlie's murder.
Riot Police start invading the school, mowing down students and teachers alike. Rebecca and Edward fight their way through the crowd of enemies, all of which are doomed to be killed by Rosalie. It is revealed that Rosalie is an assassin who works for the FBI, allowing the Cullens to move as they please in return for Rosalie's expertise.
Edward and Rebecca find Bella huddled in a stall in the girl's bathroom and tie her up. Rebecca places her Anti-Rape Knife on Bella, idiotically believing that is is the only evidence needed to convict Bella instead of Rebecca. Bella finally snaps back at Rebecca, threatening to say that Edward raped her if he goes along with this any longer. Rebecca then immediately tells him that if he does not comply, she will also say that he raped her, and then she will stab him. As Edward flees because of his impossible choice, Angela the Vampire appears and moves in for the kill.
A fashion-disaster version of Angela tries to attack Bella, but Rebecca defends her under the guise of needing her alive to take the fall. It's a battle to the death, other people oblivious to the fight going on because "gun cant sownd".
Rebecca demonstrates her battle strategy of screaming "fuck you", immediately screaming for Edward, and then screaming that "I fucking hate all of you bitches!" Just when it seems like Angela will kill Bella and finish the job she started a long time ago, a gunshot goes off!
In an Epic Big Damn Heroes moment, Alice and Tanishashanqua appear and engage Angela in combat, with even the human Tanishashanqua managing to wound Angela. Jasper also appears, clawing Angela's face with his nails, wolverine style. Angela runs, hopelessly outmatched, but not before giving Rebecca her new Anti-Rape Katana.
..Which she then uses to stab Jasper, shooing him out of the bathroom for not being "real" woman.
Before she departs, Alice reveals exactly why an army of riot police are siege the school in the middle of the day. Apparently, she has been creating a brand new super drug, but when she used Chocolove's blood samples from Chapters 2/3, she ended up creating a super-virus that threatens to kill everybody in the world. Only Vampires are immune to the plague's effects.
Somehow Rebecca also has immunity, deciding to celebrate by asking Edward for sex. When he agrees, she screams that he's betrayed her and then distraughtly runs out of the bathroom and through the ruins of the school. The chapter ends as she is accosted by two entities she's seen before...
The mysterious foes turn out to be James and Victoria, now teachers at the school. They decide to "discipline" Rebecca for killing Laurent, and use Rock-Band weapons to attack her. After disproving that she's a strong independent woman, Rebecca runs for her life as James and Victoria chase her. The two vampires murder Mr. Clearwater, but are stopped when Jacob Black shows up to save the day.
James professes his undying love to Rebecca, claiming that Victoria is only a sex object to him, but then Jacob chops off his arm and he's sent running. Jacob decides to take Rebecca to the leader of his werewolf pack...
...Who turns out to be Leah Clearwater, in a shocking twist. Along with Seth and Samwise Gamgee (Cameoing in this shit from Lord of the Rings apparently), Leah tells Rebecca of their phlight from Esme, the evil overlord of the city.
Instead of paying attention, Rebecca flashes back to Seth's rape of Bella, revealing that Seth's rape was due to his frustration with himself over his homosexuality. For some reason, Seth can't be a werewolf if he is gay. The point is, he raped Bella, which Rebecca implies could actually have turned him straight if it weren't Bella that he raped.
Rebecca agrees to help the Werewolves fight against Esme's forces by going undercover and sneaking into the Cullen mansion.
Rebecca and Jacob run through the school with a mission of finding Edward so that Rebecca can have an easy way to spy on Esme. Jacob gets Rebecca set on the path of redemption, not that any of us actually want to see Rebecca suceed, and Rebecca decides to do good from now on.
The two come across a pocket of survivors, none other than Mr. Chocolove, Tanishashanqua, Alice, and Edward! Tanishashanqua, her father, and Alice have been making an antidote for the virus, and need Rebecca to deliver it to the Air System in the Principal's office. If they don't get it there in time, then the riot police will storm the school, again, until everyone inside is dead.
After lying to bully Edward into forgiving her, Rebecca, Jacob, and Edward all run off to deliver the vial to the Principal so that they can leave school.
The trio encounter the principal, a man so generic that his only characterization is that he stares evily at things. Rebecca skips negotiations and starts off by shooting her shotugn at the poor guy, thereby cementing her anti-authoritarian streak. He shakes it off, however, and reveals that he's a vamprie slayer as he enters into combat with the three.
After pulling some Excorcist-type shit, "Prinsipal" is defeated by Rebecca, who stabs him with her Katana a total of 78 times, finishing him off with 3 shotgun shots to the body and a final round to the head.
The chapter ends as Rebecca puts the vial containing the antidote through the air system, somehow affecting everybody in the school in a matter of moments.
With the vial in the "aer cundishener", Rebecca heals Jacob's wounds with her beautiful singing voice, turning Jacob's hair blue in the process. As the two kiss, Edward walks off jealous. Alice, Tanishashanqua, and Chocolove pop in for a moment, only to leave as Tanishashanqua says that, "yo that bitch be crayyyy". Rosalie also appears for a moment, victorious from murdering every single riot officer who entered the school with her own hands; she only endured one wound the entire battle.
The Arc ends as Rebecca doesn't even bitch at everybody because she's so happy with Jacob.
...I guess they just sort of forgot to untie Bella. Oops.
Our so called heroes leave the wreckage of Forks highschool behind them, forming a 5-man band. Rebecca's gang make it back to her house, wherein she laments what a bitch she is before lighting the house on fire to burn the evidence to the ground.
Rebecca's old friend Clarity Etude Symphonia shows up in a gambit to out-Mary Sue Rebecca so that she looks like a better rounded character in comparison, but it fails miserably.
Our little arsonist starts bitching about the ramifactions of her actions to her new boyfriend, Jacob. Afterwards, she moves into the Cullen's home for relatively unexplained reasons.
The readability of the chapter improves dramatically due to TwilightRova having an editor at this point.
Rebecca and crew get a tour of the Cullen compound, wherein Rebecca begins to turn a new leaf in life by giving homeless people an undisclosed amount of money. Why the Cullens have squatters on their compound is never explained.
The only important shit this entire chapter is that Esme shows up and contends with Rebecca for the coveted "most insane Kronicals" award. She reveals that she is the new principal for the school and has hired the Volturi on as new teachers in the wake of the epidemic that claimed the lives of most of the student body and staff.
The crew goes to school the very next day, arriving at a building that probably looks akin to the aftermath of the Normandy Landings on D-Day. There the crew meets the new transfer students Alec and Jane, the former of which Rebecca lusts after.
Tanishashanqua and Rebecca have Religion class not soon afterwards, which is being taught by the reborn preacher Carlisle Cullen. Suddenly, Arrow (Aro) walks into the classroom, interrupting Carlisle's attempted religious indoctrination.
"Arrow" proves that he is also contending for the "most insane Kronicals character" award, doing a dance number on top of Carlisle's desk. Aro claims that there will be a dance this coming weekend, and that whoever doesn't show up will fail Religion class. Then he turns into a bat and flies off.
Later on, Alec reveals that Aro is his father. When he lusts after Bella, Jane gets upset and Alec is automatically labeled as a douchebag by the entire group, who then shun him.
During gym, the group plays a game of Dodgeball. Rova's editor, AnyathePurple, herein shows up as "Anya the Bold", who is for some reason allowed to throw keyboards at people during a game of dodgeball.
As Rebecca is in the bathroom during lunch, she is suddenly accosted by Edward, who tells her that they will "engageth in sex".
Rebecca is actually taken aback by Edward's advances, showing that everything she's done up until this point was all clearly just talk. Edward tries to rape Rebecca as she struggles to figure out what is going on, but he kicks her in the face with his cleats.
The blood sends Edward into a blood frenzy, throwing Rebcca around the bathroom like a ragdoll. Edward eventually gets out of his rage and realizes that he's beaten the ever loving shit out of Rebecca. He then gets the hell out of dodge, presumably realizing that harming the main character will not bode well for him by the end.
Rebecca finds her way to Tanishashanqua and Jacob, who take her to the Hospital wing, where she has to share a room with Bella. Jacob leaves to go hunt down Edward for his assault and attempted rape while Rebecca and Bella bitch at one another. Rebecca wins the bitching contest, but doesn't feel good about it.
Suddenly, Angela the Vampire appears in the hospital room bathroom and it's up to Tanishashanqua and Rebecca to save Bella's life!
Rebecca and Tanishashanqua fight Angela in the Hospital room to save Bella's life. Tanishashanqua manages to throw Angela out the window, giving the three girls just enough time to escape. They decide to take Bella's truck to get as far away from Forks as possible, but Angela engages the three in a high-speed vehicle chase, chasing after them in his jet-fuelled motorcycle. A legion of Cops show up to stop the girls, but Tanishashanqua snipes the cops, apparently learning from Rebecca's anti-authoritarian streak.
Angela manages to get onto the cargo bed of Bella's truck, duelling Rebecca and Tanishashanqua in hand-to-hand combat. Tanishashanqua loses her hand and gets thrown off the truck by Angela, only for Alice to suddenly appear in her sports car and catch Tanishashanqua with it.
Rebecca tries to duel Angela to buy time for Bella, but some of Alice's gunshots misfire, squarely hitting Bella. With the driver shot, the truck loses control and goes flying off the road, all three of the girls being shot across the rainy Washington forests. Rebecca hits a tree during her fall and blacks out...
After praying to the Elf Grandfather (a tree?), Rebecca finds the smokey and burning truck wreck, which Bella is trapped under. Rebecca tries to move the truck to save Bella, but Angela appears and gives Rebecca and ass-whooping so one-sided that it will go down in history as one of the greatest karmic feats this universe has ever blessed us with.
Sadly, before Angela can finish the job, Chocolove shows up and demands that Angela stop. He reveals that Angela is his daughter, born from an affair he had with Renee, Bella's mother. This makes Angela and Bella half-sisters, with Chocolove uttering the greatest line to ever be uttered in this entire fic:
"Its true their insides are made of the same blood..." he said. "My daddy blood".
Alec and Jane suddenly enter the fray, and Alec uses his Vampire Superpowers to send Angela to the goddamn moon. Chocolove gets fucking pissed because it turns out that he's a villain who's been planning something with Esme all along, and this goes against that plan. Alec and Jane dont' give a shit about his plans though and teleport themselves and the two girls back to school using Final Fantasy magic.
Having teleported away from a rampaging Chocolove, Alec and Jane take Bella to the hospital. Rebecca is left with nothing to do but go to Calculus, where snarker Serkadios tries to sell drugs to her.
Rebecca tries to report this to the school police's liuetenant, Aro, and leaves class to do so. When she enters his office, she finds him in Bat form masticating on Clarity Etude Symphonia. He then burrows his way into her body and begins to pilot her like a child would a giant robot in an anime. Clarity chugs a jar of Holy Water to try to hill herself and Aro at the same time, but it only ends up killing her.
Rebecca flees in terror as Aro now pilots Clarity's husk of a body like Shinji Ikari does an EVA.
Oh yeah, and there's a plan to investigate Chocolove or something. It doesn't really go anywhere. Edward's back too, I guess.
With nothing resolved, Rebecca takes time out of her busy day to go dress shopping for the upcoming school dance. Things go awry when a Vampirized Charlie is revealed to be the cashier to the store she is trying to buy from. Charlie's decapitated head flies around ripping up Rebecca's dress and warning her of Esme's plans to use the radio to mutate the town before flying into a portal and disappearing.
The Crusaders leave the store only to find that things have gone Resident Evil: Forks Edition, having to fight a zombie army controlled by a flying Esme.
When all hope seems lost, Alice tells Rebecca that,
"To defeat her you need to rock the fuck out"
Rebecca and Alice enter into a Guitar-Violin duet-solo-thingy which summons the molten core of the earth itself to try and drag Esme down to it, but it grabs Rosalie by accident instead. Rebecca's singing is so terrible that it causes the earth to apocalyptically shatter in half, dooming everybody and everything.
|The Kronicals Of Rebecca Swansin|
Rebecca Swansin • Edward • Jacob • Alice • Tanishashanqua • Clarity
|Angela the Vampire Empress (chapters list)|