|This article is about the story. Did you mean the author, or the character ?|
|Protagonist||Twila Beautiful Psycho Topaz, Edward|
Twila The Girl Who Waz In Luv With A Vampyre is a troll fanfiction. It tells the story of Twila Beautiful Psycho Topaz (not Cullen yet), a misanthropic vampire who meets Edward Cullen. Goffikness ensues.
The story starts with Twila Beautiful Psycho Topaz (who is obviously not Cullen yet) talking about her life. It appears that she and her sister Midnite are both goth, atheists and vampires. They moved away from their mother to be by themselves.
Anyway, Twila and Midnite go to the Forks High School and everyone thinks she is really hot. She doesn't appreciate it, because she is goth and a "missenthrop". The only person she likes is her sister.
But one day, she meets a really sexy vampire named Edward Cullen during class and pays no mind to the fact that he is with Bella Swan, who keeps falling out of her seat. Twila smiles at him despite the fact that she is a misanthrope and they go to the lunch together, leaving Bella behind. At the hallway they ran into some gangstas dancing to Crank That from Soulja Boy, but Edward just looks at them with his deadly eyes and they run away.
During lunch, Twila sits with Edward and his family in the cafeteria, while Bella and Jacob stare at them jealously. Edward tells Twila everything about how he and the rest of his family are vampires. He also tells her that his father Carlose (Carlisle) and mother Esmi (Esme) want to meet her.
They quit school early and go to the Cullen's house, knocking trees on the way. When they get there, Carlisle comes out of the house and is smitten with Twila's beauty. He compliments her looks and invites her to the house, since he already heard that she is a vampire and they need to talk about it. Twila happily comes inside, happy that she already has friends, despite the fact that she is supposedly a misanthrope.
Inside the house, Edward randomly teleports himself to the piano (because vampires can apparently do that) and starts playing Famous Last Words by MCR. Twila starts to sing along, because as a real MCR fan she knows the lyrics and everyone gasps at how beautiful her singing voice is.
Suddenly, they all knock her to the ground and try to take off her clothes. Twila yells at them and they stop. Edward and Carlisle explain to her that she has the most rare and exotic blood in the world and they simply can't control themselves. Twila forgives them, since a lot of people are attracted to her.
Then Alice asks Twila to marry her and gets into a fight with Edward, who claims that Twila is marrying him already. Twila breaks up the fight, saying that she isn't a lesbian and therefore can't be with Alice. Alice starts crying tears of blood, so she gets thirsty and attacks Twila, but hits Rosalie instead. Alice eats all of the blood that poured from Rosalie. Twila feels bad that she caused Rosalie's death, but Edward kisses her and tells her that she will just come to life again, because she is a vampire.
So anyway, they sedate Alice and Rosalie comes back to life. They have Burger King for dinner and Twila returns home.
There, she tells Midnite everything about her relationship with Edward. They dance around the house, singing Teenagers by MCR, but a knock on the door interrupts them. Its Alice, who gives Twila two tickets to an MCR concert as an apology for trying to suck her blood earlier. Twila immidiately makes plans to go with Midnite or Edward, but eventually the whole Cullen family goes to the MCR concert. Edward and Twila have an intercourse on the way and everyone thinks it was really cute.
At the concert, they listened to Gerard Way and Evanescence, who had a duet with MCR. Emmet suddenly turns into a bat and Edward freaks out, because he will give away their secret. So they all turn into bats and fly away, but no one in the audience cared, because they were all goths.
Gerard Way jumps down from the stage and comes through the crowd to them. He suddenly falls in love with Emmet and they all go to the Cullen's house to celebrate.
The next day at school, Twila runs into Edward and Bella. Bella tries to ask him out, but Edward ignores her. Twila threatens Bella with violence and Bella runs away screaming. Twila asks Edward about Emmet, who tells her that Emmet quit school in order to go with Gerard Way on a tour. Then they turn into bats and fly to class (no one notices).
After school, Twila gets home and finds out that her sister is getting married to Jasper there. She freaks out, because she and Edward aren't married yet. But they shout "SURPRISE!" and it turns out that its really Twila's and Edward's wedding and Midnite and Jasper are going to marry tommorow instead.
So they have an atheist ceremony and afterwards they have a big party with lots of blood at the Cullen's house, but Bibby Brown (Billy Black) runs in on his wheelchair with Jacob and yells at Twila for marrying Edward. Afterwards, confesses his undying love for Twila through an MCR song. Gerard Way starts attacking him because of copyright infridgement and Edward kills him.
Jacob leaves, because he is angry at the Cullens for some reason (which might be the fact that they just killed his father) and everyone decides to play spin the bottle.
Later that night, Twila gets possessed by Satan (but it's okay, because they are friends and he sometimes does that as a joke). Satan commands Twila to go kill Rosalie, because she is a blonde prep. So Twila goes to the Cullen's house and recognizes which room is Rosalie's, because the door was pink with a poster of Hillary Duff and pink pompoms hanging from it.
Twila barges in, only to see Edward having sex with Rosalie. Twila freaks out and begins to tear the room apart, then kills Rosalie. Edward tries to calm her down by saying that he only had sex with her because he couldn't see in the dark and thought it was her. Twila understandably doesn't believe it and wants to divorce Edward, but then Edward sings their wedding song To The End by MCR and Twila forgives him. Carlisle tries to seduce her, but Twila just runs away sadly.
The next day at school, it turns out Midnite is in the hospital from slitting her wrists, because Jasper called her a slut. Twila confronts him about it and Jasper says that he is in love with Twila and hoped that Midnite will commit suicude so that he would be free and could be with Twila. She screams at the whole school that she would never be with Jasper, because he is a terrible person, only to be sent to the principals office by a teacher. There she learns that she has to transfer to a different school, called Mount Saint Prepz Academy, because she is creating a really bad disturbance in the school. Twila freaks out, jumps out of a window and stabs herself with a knife, hoping that she would die.
She wakes up and sees that Edward took care of her injuries. He asks her why she tried to commit suicude, but she brushes him off and runs out of the room. But then, Buffy the Vampire Slayer kicks down the door and laughs about how Twila can't escape from her. Twila and Edward ignore her and instead resolve their personal drama. Buffy tries to make them pay attention to her, but Twila says that if she doesn't get out immidiately, she will leak the pictures of her screwing Angel on the internet, so Buffy runs away. Afterwards, Edward transports to Twila's bathtub via telekinesis and "you can guess what they did".
Next day, Twila finds out that she is pregnant and tells Edward, who tries to calm her down, but Twila still tries to slit her wrists. Then the principal phones her and to inform her that she will be late for her first day at Mount Saint Prepz Academy. Edward is surprised that Twila goes to that school and she turns away all of his attempts to calm her down. Then she falls asleep whilst singing Untitled by Simple Plan.
Twila wakes up next morning covered in blood from when she slit her wrists. Then she picks up her Mount Saint Prepz Academy uniform from the mail and completely changes it to be more goffik. She goes to the Mount Saint Prepz Academy, where she immidiately starts giving everyone middle finger, but notices that all of the preps are crowded around someone and staring at him. Turns out its Edward, who transfered here to be with Twila. He sings You Know What They Do To Guys Like Me In Prison and tells Twila that she isn't really pregnant, because he had her tested. Twila is overjoyed and they ditch school together.
In the next chapter, Twila wakes up in the middle of the night, because she heard a voice that sounded either like an ugly old man or Midnite. Turns out its and ugly old man who speaks in "spanfish". Edward wakes up and his shining teeth temporarily blind the man for life. The man screams in pain and Twila begins to undress to seduce him. Then she bribes the man with her body and finds out that his name is James, but because he is spanish they call him Hamez.
Then Hamez tells them that he wants to kill Bella and Twila agrees to help him before he even tells her why. They ditch school again, but the preppy principal is too scared of them to ask why, and go to Bella's house. In her room, they find posters of Edward and Twila angrily tears them down. Hamez gives Twila a sword and Edward a needle full of cyanide and tells them to kill Bella. Twila is suddenly very depressed, because she always wanted to inject herself with that needle full of cyanide and starts screaming that everyone wants her only for her body. Then they suddenly killed Bella and ate her bed so that there would be no evidence.
They try to get out, but Carlisle is blocking the door. He tells everyone that he will take Twila as his bride and live with her in darkness forevermore. Edward is pissed and wants to kill his father, but Twila agrees to go with Carlisle, because she realized that he was sexy and needs a vampire who will keep her goffikaly satisfied. Edward starts having an epileptic seizure, but Twila doesn't care and goes away with Carlisle.
At the Cullen's house it turns out that Carlisle's true form is Satan and Twila only went with him to make Edward jealous. Then we get a random revenge scene, where one of author's critics runs into the room and Edward suddenly appears and kills her. Edward then starts fighting over Twila with Carlisle, but Twila breaks it up by saying that she just wanted to make Edward jealous and wants to go home with him. Carlisle is furious that she rejected him and transforms into Satan, but Twila just kicks him and he falls over, moaning.
They run to their house while Thanks For The Memories by Fallout Boy is playing in the background and Carlisle/Satan screams at them that this is not over, but Twila blocks it, because she is stronger then him anyway.
Next day, Hamez startles Twila and Edward on the way to Hot Topic and asks them if they would mind if he killed them, while singing a song from Within Temptation. Twila suddenly realizes that Hamez wants to kill them and asks why. He tells them that he doesn't need them anymore and Edward turns into a bat and attacks Hamez, but Victor (Victoria) stops him. Then they decide to make out because they have no reason to fight and Edward kisses Hamez. It turns out that whoever kisses Hamez will be bound to him for the rest of eternity, so Victoria leaves, because Edward just stole her boyfriend. Then the three of them have a special marriage ceremony followed by an orgy and went out to hunt for some blood to seal the pact.
While in the forest, they find Jacob, who is gothic now and asks if he can join their pact. They think about it, but say no, so Jacob gets really angry and attacks them in wolf form. They all turned into bats and flew away, except Hamez who was to slow. They saved him, because if he died, they would all die and flew away from Jacob.
Four days later, Twila wakes up and realises that she doesn't love Edward anymore, so she puts some Metallica music on and slits her wrists. Edward tries to get in her house, but she ignores him and continues sliting her wrists. After a while, all of the Cullens plus Jacob barge in and pin Twila to the ground. They turn off the music and say that she can't commit suicude, because then they would all die bacause of the pact with Hamez. Twila suddenly starts loving Edward again, but Carlisle is pissed and reveals that he was making Twila not love Edward with his powers. But Jacob tells him that he needs to get over it and him and Carlisle randomly hook up. They go to Vegas and Jacob and Carlise get married there, but then Jacob dies in an accident and Carlisle remaries Esme.
Jacob's accident really upsets Edward, who tells Twila that it isn't safe here, mainly because of what happened to Jake, and wants to go with her to Black Cavern of Bloody Despair, where they can start their new gothic lives together.
The next morning they set off to the Black Cavern of Bloody Despair, which is in the middle of Washington state. They go inside and find Hamez there. Hamez tells them that they are too stupid to escape from him and kills them before they can do anything.
After they die, they find out that they are ghost vampires now and are floating around the cavern with hundreds of other people that Hamez made out with and killed. Twila is really angry that she is dead, but Edward says that afterall, this is what they always wanted, because life is just a painfull depression and suffering. Twila realizes that it really is what she always wanted and is happy now, but Hamez yells at them that they can't be happy. He starts flying and says that all of their happiness belongs to him, but Edward realizes that Hamez just wants to be happy and sings The Horror of Our Love by Ludo to him. Hamez is touched by the fact that Edward understands his desire to be happy and loved. He decides that he can finally go to hell in peace and disappears.
After that, Twila and Edward begin exploring their new home. Twila is really excited about living with other ghost vampires in the Black Cavern of Bloody Despair, making new friends and meeting Dita von Teese, but then... SHE REALIZED SOMETHING!
The story ends without telling us what was it that she realized.
Around the fanfictionEdit
Twila is often used by the less serious and more meta fics of the Brewdening Love Expanded Universe as a backstory for the Cullens.
Furthermore, there is a parody, Aurora Tha Grl Who Waz In Luuv Wik Werwolf, were the situation is reversed: the protagonist is "preppy" and hangs out with the werewolves from Twilight instead of the vampires, while the "goffs" serve as the villains.